sucess is obedience to a structured way of life...

it seems now wherever i go it feels like a job.
theres always a feeling of wanting to be somewhere else.
im just always being reminded of what im not doing right
how im not adding up to what your in need of.
even when they're saying they're satisfied..i just keep playing thsoe words over in my head. its lame, im lame
its just a pitty where i ended up.
i've let way to many people down
im letting them down right now
its just a constant struggle trying to forget or get myself distracted, trying to not let what i feel come to the surface
im not proud, but i just would wanna have a few min, to be someone else...

eighteenth OF whateva

Only bit of release i can distinctly feel is when i put on my headphones and turn the volume nob til it wont turn any further.

work yesterday was a tash aggro-vating. I dont like saying it but just new workers there are douchnuggets. they're all the same.
everyone is too scared to branch out. Only really saying something to someone who is like a zerox copy of what image they are. Nothing really goes past a "yo whats up"..and most fellas and fellers there are just hagged. no spunk, talking with slurrs and dragging their feet like slobs and walking like the living dead. i dont know, its a bummer being there.

gnimoc emoh si tsuj rehtona boj

douche-core

I guess lately observing other peoples lives is the main entertainment for me..
seeing what they do, how they react..i just have been doing a lot of people watching.
its kinda like studying in a way. different personalites and reactions and ego's and self-perception.

work isnt too crazy, im just insanely bored there. I was fuckin shocked how kinda stale a toy store is..i guess when all the regulations and rules kinda just constrict you to really narrow minded determination, and all your kinda anticipating is the end of your shift.
the customers are a joke, its wrong to look at these people for inspiration, they're nothing to be inspired by. The majority of them are just gross people, personality wise..or at least thats how they come off to me. im no shiny peice of gold either so..i guses that says something.
co-workers..eh, nothing fascinating. one or two mellow people, seems like the rest have their heads up their asses cause they love the smell of their own shit.

man, where did my energy go?
my kinda optimistic drive...ehh man i gotta do some soul searching

home life yoo

i cant really believe much from they're mouth anymore
i kinda have seen the proof that they'll cover up things
its hard to see the beauty and comfort in something original when its just painted over and adjusted to look a certain way to you.
so nothing they'll do is re-assuring, cause they're reassurance is just a stage, an act..a front.

it'd just be crazy to observe a person who's not afraid of themselves. Maybe they could rub off some familiar but forgotten viewpoints..

so i got a day to myself, it'll be rad in its own way...the weather outside is just flirting with a storm...im gonna at least run up and down cove road with this weather, it rad to see the clouds stretch out to the horizon and how the town looks under it all

peace to my neice, and my grandmother deceased

sure i've dont a lot of things wrong, but you havent seen anything...

my belly is overlapping my pantline, just ate a turkey sandwhich..with full enjoyment
the clouds are coming in out of nowhere, well..its from the ocean ..but it showed up in a matter of an hour
im lookin forward to what tehy have to offer...and i hope they bring it fully
this time of year just puts something in me.
i love it.
just cold air, crisp and clean...where more clothing is needed to be comfortable is the way i kinda like it.
how the sun kinda shines on the land just puts me in a mood, this is my time to just soak in the water y aknow?..just stop, and notice whats going on around me, and not focus what could happen...cause those curiosities crash my train of thought enough already...so im not gonna invite them, even though they'll come on their own.

we got a tree yesterday which was awesome. I really appreciate her enthusiasm about holidays..its how excited i used to be when i was a little younger, its how i wished things were longer than they were. I wanna but im used to holidays just being another day..which it is..but all the accessories that go to em i kinda forgot how it felt. THe smell really brings out the season, really kinda calms ya down


the god damn sky is going haywire!..fuckin lovin it

we're going to the harbor tonight to see the lit up boats.
it'll be a nice sight to see what people do.
i couldnt really give a crap about the boats
its just the event that im going for and the chance to have a nice evening out with someone special with good surroundings going on reflecting the time of year we're in.
it gives me that warm feeling like when your cold and you drink that hot chocolate on the couch after a hot shower..watching something that reminds you of your child days.

what ever happend to wonder years? that show was fucking bagelbite fantastic!

i am afraid though of the apt catching on fire...but i guess it'll spiff of apt living just a little more

'are we gonna burn in our sleep tonight? i dont know, only one way to find out'


its a good lookin tree though.

dec 11th is...will be the 10th year of my dad being gone.
its crazy, i cant remember him really..only little pictures i used to look at of him all the time after he died, tahts the only thing i remember
i need a context to it...but its kinda difficult.
i know the noises, the voices vaugely..but, i dont see him in my memory
i dont know, i dont know if im making him proud...it just would of been coool to see what he would have had to say about the things i wanted to ask him.
he died when i was 12..right before teen years, it would of been rad to see how he and i would have mingled through those ups and down years. To have a comfortable feeling to " go to dad" about it...im thankful for my mom, she held it down..but we were all affected during those years, it was mainly all of us just trying to figure out how we were doing ourselves...those years just adjusting to the consequences, i just wonder of course, what would have been different. who would i have been with the influence of my dad?
the only time i remember him is him being in and out of the hospital all the time, since i can remember he was always sick after the stroke..i remember coming home when it happened from school, he told my mom he needed to go to the hospital cause he just felt extrememly odd and unwell, from then on there, it was always being bed rested, using a walker, wheelchair and hospital beds.
obviously i think about this stuff..but living is comfortable enough, most of the time i forget about the day, not about him...but it ends up passing by and the next thing i know its the 12th.
sooner or later i wanna go see his grave, but im not completely sure yet.

if you told me about all this...when i was 15...

i had a dream
i never felt this alive before
my body felt the bruises, and my lungs felt the warm air
with short bursts of crisp fresh air lurking aruond the room
my heart felt the vibrations that echoed through all the walls
as if the walls were shouting the sounds themselves
my eyes only saw in snapshots.
rapid snapshots.
looking behind me constantly to see what i could trip on
what room i did have to move
but all in excitement.
hands everywhere, veins popping out from the side of everyones neck yelling
faces i didnt know in this reality, but i felt like they were family while there
i almost went deaf from the volume
a kick in the head made every min. just a little better
no smurks, no judgement, no ego's, no lies
comradery
a wet rag is what was left of my shirt
a few seconds of a heartattack
and it kept my anxious for the next one...
i felt like a bird, with wings bounded all his life...it was all he knew
to stumble and finally spread my arms out, with no barriers on either side, no stop signs or worries infront of me or behind me...nothing to lose.




....i woke up in a straight jacket.

hi valentine

i need to go to someone to get my ears cleaned, i just feel a back up of gooeyness in there that a q-tip wont erase.

I spent thanksgiving in the apt, it was my choice so i cant really say i was bummed. althouth the room did seem more quiet than usual when im normally in it by myself. I had a bowl of Grape nuts, and it settled my stomach good enough chyall.

reading has never really caught my attention, maybe cause all the books i had to read they werent my decision to read. I wish all the bands i like would write books. I just get so indulged in reading their blogs or lyrics. Im probably just not searching for the right books, i know theirs buttloads of stories out there that would hook line and sink me. All the books i love now, i never thought existed years before...just waiting for another love to fall into my hands.

The other night on a whim we saw a bottle of malibu rum and decided to buy some for the fuck of it. We were all set buying shitty ass yummy cereal knowing we'd be hungry after a few drinks and min.
Things went well, we're both lightweights like a feather. Took shots then just started drinking straight from the bottle, next thing you know the bottle is as light as we are and theres nothing left to drink....i Was feeling it

We did the usual and walked aruond town, sung some songs at the top of our lungs in the van with the guitar..some gogol bordello HEY!

Decided to go back and drink a little more or whatever was left...watched Tropic thunder for a bit since it was on the television from when we left it.

THen started talking about what if we got sick, ehh...our minds kinda took over, i felt bad for jade...she had her head to the toilet all night and into the next afternoon. I guess i lucked out, since there was barely anything in my stomach. or who knows..

i wanna see that movie milk, and just saw a comercial for that frost/nixon movie, i know they're only gonna be playing at the MANNNNNnnnNN theatre since krikorian has a buttplug up their ass on premiering any rad independent movies i guess. But i dig that theatre.

shit im waiting on these god damn plumbers to get back, i was gonna go run around town but i feel sketchy leaving and having them in here especially with all our band equipment just laying there.

so work is...eh alright, its just boring there still, and its a toystore for douche sake...i dont know, im looking around, mail man would be dope.


anyway, the plumbing fellas just vacated, so its time for me to do so.

i lay on the side of caution

things are changing, and im feeling the adjustment, its gradual..but its not settle.
And i dont know exactly whats changing, but i dont even really know myself anymore, or at this very min i dont really know what definition i could muster up about me.

i feel kinda guilty about being around certain people
i feel like i waste their time, that im a malfunction rather than an aid as company
im just over this feeling of weight. im confused on what path will lead me outta this. So maybe i stay put until things become more clear, or until i cant help but move in any direction that comes to my sight first

with this..i feel like i have some justification on the way i react to it.
i dont consider myself to be a total jackass, although i am enough of one to be called it with conviction.
i keep to myself a lot i suppose. very few i feel comfortable to open up truly to. to just take it easy. Seems people wont stick around unless you give em all the colors and fascination that keeps their eyes locked. I dnot really have any energy for that.

i took two showers this morning. One to wake up, then went out and did a few things.
next, i just needed to sit down and relax. WIth hot water trickling down me i guess it puts me in a relaxed state. the sound of the faucet head and the drain guzzling the water down, i just sat for over 45 min. Just closing my eyes, trying to slow down the world for a few, trying to puzzle the peices in my head on all of this jargon. Trying to forget that 4 o clock is coming wether i like it or not.
and watching my skin prune like skin of my grandma.

i put wall-e on, that movie just is a good vibe movie, somehow i wish i could be more like that robot at times. just geunine, caring..and expressive, and has no awareness of bad circumstances...just content with whats infront of him, and that exciting drive to somehow have a chance to get what you care for.

i dont know what tonight is gonna bring, i dont know whats going on while im not around, i just know i got a song in my head that seems to be a good foundation right now.
if there was a joke i knew of i'd spit it right here, maybe next time.

to view this life above the city

hopefully one day i'l hear it all, we'll all say the whole story, maybe it will make us feel better.

1...uno, 2...uno uno.

i wish i wasnt even boring myself right now
i would like to tell a story of some entertainment..not really for you, for me
theres a smell in the apt, it has a memory to its scent..its a bitter sweet thing right now
today there were some tidepools and some hermit crabs, and sea anemones.
watching nature just calms you down...just seeing how it works and functions without all the bullshit that controls our way of being. stripped down simplicity, and sometimes cruelness..but all fair. You get what you give i suppose.

Got some new fish, they're spunkish, give a little spice to the fishtank.
our fucking goldfish is the size of a rhino turd
nah...but pretty huge compared to how he used to be.

if i woke up in a unfamiliar place, and had a brief history that i cant remember, and i had to spend the day finding out how i got there and what i did along the way..that'd be a interesting afternoon and so on. hopefully my ass wouldnt hurt when i woke up.

gahh! how the hell did i get here?
what the hell did i evolve into?....jeeze

hopefully it rains again, and i dont have to work when it does...just sit by the window with music, guitar..just watch the world fidgit.


theres just a whole bunch of things i wish i knew, but i'll never know, they'll act like it never happened.


so lets go, and try to forget what we cant help but remember.

we'll call it our own.

i guess i was expecting too much when it came to this storm. I thought our area was a hotspot, i guess...not.
looking out the window thick clouds are sstarting to gather and pass on by, hoping they pull through with some moisture.

that'd be a nice thanksgiving treat for me at least.

i dont know what to do for thanksgiving, i dont know what mood i'll be in.
i guess my sister went up to victorville to visit my mom, im not really sure i have the money to spend on gas to get up there.
we'll see...

i guess we really forget what our traditions really stand for, one persons defeat is another persons victory, i just think we're celebrating a cruel landmark in time, i guess the traditions on how to celebrate is what we really enjoy, its significance just shames me i suppose..

im suppose to go in to work at 6, but im sweating with money and im debating on going in around 5 or 5:30...even if its half an hour earlier, i need any cent i can. but the store manager is mentally retarded when it comes to schedulng the right people.

man, its silly what we're idolizing these days on television and what these kids are seeing as an influence, as some sort of mentor or idol to replicate. i mean come on, for what reasons do these people deserve any respect?. housewives of the real orange county are idiots, displaying a false world, a gross disgusting way of living, and their morals are just as insignificant as they are and distorted. Im no great leader in that field, but i know that im not dumb enough to look up to these fools and imbecilesm or too see their way of living as anything appealing. Makes me sick to my stomach.

hm, im out of time.

when im gone before my time, please tell them my body gave up before my mind

I cant remember this morning for some reason, i know i was coherent, i just dont remember much. just getting up to go to the bathroom to empty fluids, and dozed back off to bed. i heard jade sort of getting ready for work, but it was all echo-ish. like if i was almost in a dream, like if she was getting ready in a huge empty room, and all her actions echoed. Kinda rad.

last night i was frustrated for some reason, my body didnt feel right. My chest feels like its just straining a lot, like its just stressed. Makes me dizzy and just like i cant get in a good deep breath. I wanted to go to sleep but i couldnt really get into it. i was too tired to do anything after a while, but i was too restless to go to bed. i guess it happens here and there.

its kinda a bummer, how so many people just wannt to keep to themselves, i pass by people and they dont look or acknowledge anyone else is in the room. No one has a personality anymore. everyone is just too focused on themselves. I get in crowded rooms, and everyone just looks straight ahead, trying to make it obvious that they dont care your there. Lookin just emotionless. Just like a drone. like they've been emptied. I guess im not soo different, and that bugs me. maybe they're just focused...maybe im to analytical

i went running, i feel woken up finally after it, but tired at the same time. Gonna stay in track to clean up the house a bit, at least thats what im hoping. we'll see.


i wanna start giving compliments more..i know when i get them, they make my day pretty rad..even if its something minor, small...almost considered un-important. I just wanna give it to the people who deserve them for real reasons.

i guess my uncle called today for the insurance money, im gonna have to say i cant because i barely have enough for this week to get to and from work and food..man, this month is gonna be a headache.

its so easy to be famous these days, you dont need talent, just lack of integrity.

annd all thsee girls on myspace, they say "im not pretty, i dont think i am, oh no way" and most of their pictures are ones they take of themselves...thats just says something to me. i understand if they're doing something in the photo, showing that their doing it and they enjoy it, but...its just them...posing, trying to act like it was some accidental photo taken. what do i know...



i wanna go play guitar tonight, it'd be nice if someone invited me to go do that. its still way awesome though to do regardless.

my body scent makes me wanna eat doritos, what the fucK?


i just wanna get out..

i just wanna feel the feeling of living face to face

4:23 AM, Thursday

its 4 in the morning, and i cant sleep, my heart is pounding like thumper.
i can feel such a hard pain in my chest, and a lack of breath

infomercials, i consider these people lame, but they're making millions


some nights, i really get worried that im not gonna wake up.

i dont care what they say, i know the way it sounds to me

I cant get into this chocolate news, It feels like they're trying hard. Yeah, its got its laughs...
it feels like a local act having their first show, headlining and having some awesome band be their opener, seems like tthey're trying to follow the shadow of dave chappelle, thats tough to top, maybe im just stubborn.

So i was dredding coming home, I had stuff on my mind that just made me wanna pull over the car, and try my hardest to cry, or something, yell...i would like for that to happen.
i kept in strong rotation the briggs album , they're words go well with their tunes, the feeling they give off, its like a friend that sticks around, and does what they can to pull you up off the floor, and takes you out on the town, or just anywhere, just to hear what you have to say...and jsut a big pat on the back.

Im kinda scared to write down the rest of what im thinking, maybe i havent figured it out yet, so im not sure how to explain it, cause i need it explained to me still.

honestly, and as childish as it sounds, right now i feel just...terribble, just lied to..and just a stain.
thats all i really wanna say with that.

it jsut makes me wonder out the wahzoo what else goes on, the thigns being said, little actions being untold, i know there are dozens, i keep finding them, and i keep seein them, and then further down the line being hidde, makes me just wonder what thigns were swept under the carpet that i didnt view in time.

i dont know...one more day of bullshit work.
tonight im never gonna find a comfortable position to sleep...theres a cramp in my brain.

im not worth this.

just to let you know, im not locking the door on you....i never will



well, im getting tired
remember kids, use protection....and why not have it be the best kind!

this is just between me and you

i dont see how you can say that im awesome
when i make you feel less of a value than what you are
i dont get it, i dont get us.
you smile, but your hurting on the inside
i feel like im trying to fit into something two sizes too small
its just a headache, when everyone knows more than me.

i thought that day was special, i guess it was jsut another reminder of how little this makes you feel.
i guess it wasnt such a good memory after all

trying to show them the world with nothing to my name

so i made up my mind....

im feeling guilty a lot lately

im realizing that im not really into hardboiled eggs, i like my undeveloped chicks scrambled, and cooked....


im playing war with the clock now, watching Mad Tv as a filler, i'd rather have it on then be in a quiet room alone, jade just went off to work...and i've got an hour and a half to get creative with.

the clouds are coming in, def anticipating the cold, couldnt sit on the couch this afternoon without wanting to get up and grab a blanket or a jacket, but i figured i'd just enjoy the chill to its fullest

thank god for comedy, def helps a lot when thigns get a little funky or odd, you cant help sometimes but laugh, letting one out can change things...like taking a big breath of fresh air, just a new direction...a checkpoint.

its weird going into work when its dark, but i like it better....makes it feel like your going in for a shorter period of time.

Went on a little walk to the beach this morning, it was crazy fog-like down at the peir, i couldnt help but wonder like crazy what jade was really thinking about...i asked, but..sometimes i feel like we just say the tip of the iceburg of our thoughts, or we just tink of something else, then say thats whats on our mind..i know i've done that tons of times..

hah, mad tv is living up to its potential.

am i really out of shape? even just goin on small walks now make me just wanna sleep the rest of the day, i remember, not even a month and a half ago, i was running 4 miles, then running up cove road bunch of times, then doing little things here and there for sweat and whatnot..i guess i just feel guilty sitting a lot, and im feeling guilty a lot lately....

friday is payday, not looking forward to it, good cause its money..but, its gonna be a short pay.

i guess we're having pizza tonight, witout the cheese. i can dig it..

i wanna write a song with sammy, i just wanna see what can happen with our combined musical creativity...

ha, i dont know a lot of things...and im really in a drive to change that...everything is there for the taking, why am i just passing it all by?

I miss them too

Today went alright i must say
going to school with jade wasnt bad, i wasnt expecting it too be
the drive there was kind of weird, i dont know if it was, but i think it was my fault
i didnt mean it like that.

im sitting here at 2 in the morning pretty much nude on a tiny leopard print step stool typing this. gross picture, but i dont really feel like erasing what i just wrote

i wanna start living my life witih things i wanna do, and rarely saying no to things, i wanna be able to have more to write about in this, i wanna read back and have a vivid picture of these times and moments, i know they're good now, but i need more context.

so my ambition to excercise went flat, like a stale fart.
I ENDED up, swaying jade to getting some chicken mcbuttocks at Mickey D's..i know, not the best alternative, but..even though im kinda kicking myself for eating that shit, im not really fretting too much. although, if i had the choice i'd proabably would of just went with a bannana.

I took WALL-E from my work today, kinda stoked to come home and show jade...even though its not that big of a deal, that movie has a lot of laughs and memories, so that anti uped the umph, i drove fast for some reason wanting to show her i snagged it when i got to our APT.

Hold on...bathroom break.

wonder how long it takes for CHicken Mcbuttocks to digest.

i feel like i annoy people, or im def not in their best of interest, maybe i did something, acted a certain way...one thing, or maybe a series of events that made them repel my company, even at that, they wont even respond to any of my "heys" or "whats ups" even if so..its a quick responce, def. obvious to show they dont care much about indulgin in getting to know eachother more...

we Got some captain morgan Rum And watched the wall-e movie...i felt like going on a walk at first, to get out, when i usually drink i like to get outside, when i usually smoke...well, it goes either way, i like just observing, letting my imagination go free, usually if theres company, i let them know whats going on....its lame to say but when im high at times, i feel like im showing myself, myself...or at least its more obvious to me when im under that influence.

that reminds me, i gotta ask bri for more...but my wallet isnt really showing me love

i feel like thers things i need to know, but people dont see it as something they feel they should tell....i wish i could read their minds, no matter how good or bad it ends up being
im just unsure how to ask....

i think i was suppose to meet up with kylee when she came into LAX tomorrow...but ididnt hear anythign back...bummer, but all i can really do is "oh well"

I wanna have a crazy nigth soon, an adventure...a good time to wher ei know i'll look back and talk about it with excitement...and thrill. I wanna flirt with disaster (cliche)

I havent been on the prowl for shows lately, i dont think i have the energy, i feel like...i wouldnt enjoy it as much as i would back then...i just neeed....something, something ....

if i were to enroll myself in that show "made" i wonder what i would be....i think i woudl put on a straight face, and say "i wanna be Black"....and just see what they can woop up. i wonder who would be my coach?......

its crazy how people influence us from day to day, play by play actions...i remember i wanted to get plugs, cause i was really admiring against ME! when i first reallly got into them, and was kinda diggin tom gabels plugs, they were 1/2 inch wich at the time i thought were fucking huge, now im at 1 inch...hopefully i'll stop. Or i saw my friend kylee got a small tattoo on her ankle...kinda made me desire one too. even this...i think i finally got pushed into this when i saw jade go into it, although i follow tom gabels blog frequently on here, just reading what he has to say on a personal level, just slaps me outta this subconsiouce image i put him as being....i dont know, like a different more valued person, not saying he's not, im just saying, that idol pedistal you think of someone when they are your influence, and inspiration...you see them as more than human, and when reading his blogs, it feels like just an eye to eye realization..that he is just like us...we all know this, but somehow we always see ourselves inadequate to them. when we're all in the same boat, just helps me with my ambition for creativity...you ask a good musician what influences you, and it shouldnt be any different than what influences YOU. you just believe it because its coming from someone who belives in themselves...

"it was on the tip of everyones tongue, we just gave it a name"


well, a few more sips of rum, and i'll go drift off

oh yea, i was reading my buddies blog...about things he missed, i remember i was about to write a blog like that, but i kinda bummed myself out and couldnt finish it. it just reminds me, that things we miss back then...i didnt notice the things infront of me, I remember, when i look back at the times i miss now, when it was actually that time, all i did was miss memories i missed Then as well....which just makes me wonder, the thigns i do now, i will miss them in days to come....so im trying my best, to just soak it up....the best i can, since im aware that at times, when i look back at some of these moments im living now, in the future...i will give anything to be back at these times....so i'll take a step back, notice the good times today....the ones right now, and embrace them, and try to hold on...as much as i can, knowing in the future i will still miss them, but i didnt miss OUT on any of them.

even if they're moments that i dislike, to where i only wanna push towards the future...i'll try to take a lesson...i need the bitter, for the sweet to taste fucking more grand.

but at times, i do feel like this

Nov. eight-teenth, 2008

So heres another internet fascination that ive become humble to, i guess a new place to write what i feel kind of changed the mood for some reason, feels like your doing it for the first time, really, just in another place.
The air is extremely Dry around here, i guess the fires up near LA are Contained, Im not sure. I havent turned on the news in a few days, Some reason im kinda ashamed to say that. I like knowing whats going on around me, i want to know, but for some reason i loose interest quickly, Most of the time i find myself just upset at whats being said, or just in strong disagreement, and i get frustrated, and lost for better words. By then i cant even really stand my own company.

I think it was my suggestion to go on some hike, some form of exercise,actually it doesnt matter whos idea it was...anyway, and i would love jades company, so jade wanted to take her wicked dog "violet" the ambassador or cooltown, on our little leg moving journey, it was rad....really hot, but not unbearable, walked to a flag tattered from, i dont know how many years, of wind. saw the mailbox up there with books filled with thoughts of the people who also jog,bike..visit that area. I was just aggravated on the majority of peoples opinions in that book, all just close minded irrational thoughts,...mainly relating to MCcain, so then that was no suprise.... either way, it was rad to get out in the open



Went To see Madagascar Escape 2 Africa with Jade last night, It was a good escape from the outside weather, being in a controlled temp. enviorment. My nose felt super dry, and had a irritating feeling of a snot being stuck up there, so i relieved my nose without looking like im trying to scratch my brain from a terrible itch, i guess i was successful, but my nose started to bleed....i didnt feel like getting up or telling jade, so i just kept sniffing a lot, hoping it wouldnt be a drastic nose bleed and start running down my nose, it didnt last long...and the movie went on.

Today i guess im going with jade to her school, some reason i have fun doing that, i mean sitting through class isnt the most thrilling event, nor is it dealing with something i agree with, but at least a new enviorment is something that boosts me up again, cause i can at least say that im doing somthing. Even if its doing nothing in a new place...or not.

I wanna start exercising more, but my energy is lost lately, i used to consider me being a active person, now i just find way too many excuses to keep me from doing it, maybe i just need this shlump..maybe my body is craving this period of slack-ness, maybe i really need this recharge, or is that just another excuse?

i need to read shitloads more, i feel like im getting more uneducated, i'll admit it..im not a very smart person, but i feel like im def not helping myself in that dept lately. i need to browse more books, but i have trouble finding boooks that interest me..i also need to get a little handy dandy dictionary thing, electronic one, cause i wanna be more literate, i wanna be confident with the words i choose to express myself or opinions.

ha, im kinda shocked...that movie "white girls" is playing in the background, i never was really attracted to the movie, but its making me laugh more than i figured.

Rent is gonna be tight this month, its kinda ...no, it IS stressing me out a lot, its my fualt really of course. I feel guilty.

i remember listening to this band, i cant remember the name but i know its one i've heard millinos of times before, down by t-street and my friend had in on in there car, it was really relaxing, music i would never give a chance if it wasnt something i had to listen to cause of someone elses musical preference. I kinda wish i had the option to listen to it, if i knew the name.
its not dashboard confession, but i know its a band that i think is equally lame, i just know i was into the feel of the songs. Maybe it was just the time and place.

By the way, im really over my job. Goin there just bums me out, walking in the door, i feel like a kid having to go to the dentist, or a cat trying to be put in a bath. I just dont feel like i fit in, i 've been there for a year..and i feel like the unfit puzzle peice, i normally dont care, and i try my best to just blow it off, but i just feel like a stain, the place bores me too, nothing is interesting, the people i work with dont really excite me, everything is mainly just fake that i do there. I Need to put in more applications.

Im kinda scared to rub my nose or scratch it, especially if i go to school with jade today, getting a nose bleed in a room of people i dont know and i feel already uncomfortable being around, that would be lame.

Tonight, i will exercise, and hopefully will still have energy, it'd be nice to go walk on the beach trail with jade.

im not really sure how i feel...something is malfunctioning, i dont know what it is.
i woke up feeling out of place.
im tired of being pessimistic, but if i acted any other way, it wouldnt feel natural to me right now, just let it come natural...im not always like this, i promise, i never was.

i need to jump in the shower, my pants smell