sucess is obedience to a structured way of life...

it seems now wherever i go it feels like a job.
theres always a feeling of wanting to be somewhere else.
im just always being reminded of what im not doing right
how im not adding up to what your in need of.
even when they're saying they're satisfied..i just keep playing thsoe words over in my head. its lame, im lame
its just a pitty where i ended up.
i've let way to many people down
im letting them down right now
its just a constant struggle trying to forget or get myself distracted, trying to not let what i feel come to the surface
im not proud, but i just would wanna have a few min, to be someone else...

eighteenth OF whateva

Only bit of release i can distinctly feel is when i put on my headphones and turn the volume nob til it wont turn any further.

work yesterday was a tash aggro-vating. I dont like saying it but just new workers there are douchnuggets. they're all the same.
everyone is too scared to branch out. Only really saying something to someone who is like a zerox copy of what image they are. Nothing really goes past a "yo whats up"..and most fellas and fellers there are just hagged. no spunk, talking with slurrs and dragging their feet like slobs and walking like the living dead. i dont know, its a bummer being there.

gnimoc emoh si tsuj rehtona boj

douche-core

I guess lately observing other peoples lives is the main entertainment for me..
seeing what they do, how they react..i just have been doing a lot of people watching.
its kinda like studying in a way. different personalites and reactions and ego's and self-perception.

work isnt too crazy, im just insanely bored there. I was fuckin shocked how kinda stale a toy store is..i guess when all the regulations and rules kinda just constrict you to really narrow minded determination, and all your kinda anticipating is the end of your shift.
the customers are a joke, its wrong to look at these people for inspiration, they're nothing to be inspired by. The majority of them are just gross people, personality wise..or at least thats how they come off to me. im no shiny peice of gold either so..i guses that says something.
co-workers..eh, nothing fascinating. one or two mellow people, seems like the rest have their heads up their asses cause they love the smell of their own shit.

man, where did my energy go?
my kinda optimistic drive...ehh man i gotta do some soul searching

home life yoo

i cant really believe much from they're mouth anymore
i kinda have seen the proof that they'll cover up things
its hard to see the beauty and comfort in something original when its just painted over and adjusted to look a certain way to you.
so nothing they'll do is re-assuring, cause they're reassurance is just a stage, an act..a front.

it'd just be crazy to observe a person who's not afraid of themselves. Maybe they could rub off some familiar but forgotten viewpoints..

so i got a day to myself, it'll be rad in its own way...the weather outside is just flirting with a storm...im gonna at least run up and down cove road with this weather, it rad to see the clouds stretch out to the horizon and how the town looks under it all

peace to my neice, and my grandmother deceased

sure i've dont a lot of things wrong, but you havent seen anything...

my belly is overlapping my pantline, just ate a turkey sandwhich..with full enjoyment
the clouds are coming in out of nowhere, well..its from the ocean ..but it showed up in a matter of an hour
im lookin forward to what tehy have to offer...and i hope they bring it fully
this time of year just puts something in me.
i love it.
just cold air, crisp and clean...where more clothing is needed to be comfortable is the way i kinda like it.
how the sun kinda shines on the land just puts me in a mood, this is my time to just soak in the water y aknow?..just stop, and notice whats going on around me, and not focus what could happen...cause those curiosities crash my train of thought enough already...so im not gonna invite them, even though they'll come on their own.

we got a tree yesterday which was awesome. I really appreciate her enthusiasm about holidays..its how excited i used to be when i was a little younger, its how i wished things were longer than they were. I wanna but im used to holidays just being another day..which it is..but all the accessories that go to em i kinda forgot how it felt. THe smell really brings out the season, really kinda calms ya down


the god damn sky is going haywire!..fuckin lovin it

we're going to the harbor tonight to see the lit up boats.
it'll be a nice sight to see what people do.
i couldnt really give a crap about the boats
its just the event that im going for and the chance to have a nice evening out with someone special with good surroundings going on reflecting the time of year we're in.
it gives me that warm feeling like when your cold and you drink that hot chocolate on the couch after a hot shower..watching something that reminds you of your child days.

what ever happend to wonder years? that show was fucking bagelbite fantastic!

i am afraid though of the apt catching on fire...but i guess it'll spiff of apt living just a little more

'are we gonna burn in our sleep tonight? i dont know, only one way to find out'


its a good lookin tree though.

dec 11th is...will be the 10th year of my dad being gone.
its crazy, i cant remember him really..only little pictures i used to look at of him all the time after he died, tahts the only thing i remember
i need a context to it...but its kinda difficult.
i know the noises, the voices vaugely..but, i dont see him in my memory
i dont know, i dont know if im making him proud...it just would of been coool to see what he would have had to say about the things i wanted to ask him.
he died when i was 12..right before teen years, it would of been rad to see how he and i would have mingled through those ups and down years. To have a comfortable feeling to " go to dad" about it...im thankful for my mom, she held it down..but we were all affected during those years, it was mainly all of us just trying to figure out how we were doing ourselves...those years just adjusting to the consequences, i just wonder of course, what would have been different. who would i have been with the influence of my dad?
the only time i remember him is him being in and out of the hospital all the time, since i can remember he was always sick after the stroke..i remember coming home when it happened from school, he told my mom he needed to go to the hospital cause he just felt extrememly odd and unwell, from then on there, it was always being bed rested, using a walker, wheelchair and hospital beds.
obviously i think about this stuff..but living is comfortable enough, most of the time i forget about the day, not about him...but it ends up passing by and the next thing i know its the 12th.
sooner or later i wanna go see his grave, but im not completely sure yet.

if you told me about all this...when i was 15...

i had a dream
i never felt this alive before
my body felt the bruises, and my lungs felt the warm air
with short bursts of crisp fresh air lurking aruond the room
my heart felt the vibrations that echoed through all the walls
as if the walls were shouting the sounds themselves
my eyes only saw in snapshots.
rapid snapshots.
looking behind me constantly to see what i could trip on
what room i did have to move
but all in excitement.
hands everywhere, veins popping out from the side of everyones neck yelling
faces i didnt know in this reality, but i felt like they were family while there
i almost went deaf from the volume
a kick in the head made every min. just a little better
no smurks, no judgement, no ego's, no lies
comradery
a wet rag is what was left of my shirt
a few seconds of a heartattack
and it kept my anxious for the next one...
i felt like a bird, with wings bounded all his life...it was all he knew
to stumble and finally spread my arms out, with no barriers on either side, no stop signs or worries infront of me or behind me...nothing to lose.




....i woke up in a straight jacket.

hi valentine

i need to go to someone to get my ears cleaned, i just feel a back up of gooeyness in there that a q-tip wont erase.

I spent thanksgiving in the apt, it was my choice so i cant really say i was bummed. althouth the room did seem more quiet than usual when im normally in it by myself. I had a bowl of Grape nuts, and it settled my stomach good enough chyall.

reading has never really caught my attention, maybe cause all the books i had to read they werent my decision to read. I wish all the bands i like would write books. I just get so indulged in reading their blogs or lyrics. Im probably just not searching for the right books, i know theirs buttloads of stories out there that would hook line and sink me. All the books i love now, i never thought existed years before...just waiting for another love to fall into my hands.

The other night on a whim we saw a bottle of malibu rum and decided to buy some for the fuck of it. We were all set buying shitty ass yummy cereal knowing we'd be hungry after a few drinks and min.
Things went well, we're both lightweights like a feather. Took shots then just started drinking straight from the bottle, next thing you know the bottle is as light as we are and theres nothing left to drink....i Was feeling it

We did the usual and walked aruond town, sung some songs at the top of our lungs in the van with the guitar..some gogol bordello HEY!

Decided to go back and drink a little more or whatever was left...watched Tropic thunder for a bit since it was on the television from when we left it.

THen started talking about what if we got sick, ehh...our minds kinda took over, i felt bad for jade...she had her head to the toilet all night and into the next afternoon. I guess i lucked out, since there was barely anything in my stomach. or who knows..

i wanna see that movie milk, and just saw a comercial for that frost/nixon movie, i know they're only gonna be playing at the MANNNNNnnnNN theatre since krikorian has a buttplug up their ass on premiering any rad independent movies i guess. But i dig that theatre.

shit im waiting on these god damn plumbers to get back, i was gonna go run around town but i feel sketchy leaving and having them in here especially with all our band equipment just laying there.

so work is...eh alright, its just boring there still, and its a toystore for douche sake...i dont know, im looking around, mail man would be dope.


anyway, the plumbing fellas just vacated, so its time for me to do so.