i lay on the side of caution

things are changing, and im feeling the adjustment, its gradual..but its not settle.
And i dont know exactly whats changing, but i dont even really know myself anymore, or at this very min i dont really know what definition i could muster up about me.

i feel kinda guilty about being around certain people
i feel like i waste their time, that im a malfunction rather than an aid as company
im just over this feeling of weight. im confused on what path will lead me outta this. So maybe i stay put until things become more clear, or until i cant help but move in any direction that comes to my sight first

with this..i feel like i have some justification on the way i react to it.
i dont consider myself to be a total jackass, although i am enough of one to be called it with conviction.
i keep to myself a lot i suppose. very few i feel comfortable to open up truly to. to just take it easy. Seems people wont stick around unless you give em all the colors and fascination that keeps their eyes locked. I dnot really have any energy for that.

i took two showers this morning. One to wake up, then went out and did a few things.
next, i just needed to sit down and relax. WIth hot water trickling down me i guess it puts me in a relaxed state. the sound of the faucet head and the drain guzzling the water down, i just sat for over 45 min. Just closing my eyes, trying to slow down the world for a few, trying to puzzle the peices in my head on all of this jargon. Trying to forget that 4 o clock is coming wether i like it or not.
and watching my skin prune like skin of my grandma.

i put wall-e on, that movie just is a good vibe movie, somehow i wish i could be more like that robot at times. just geunine, caring..and expressive, and has no awareness of bad circumstances...just content with whats infront of him, and that exciting drive to somehow have a chance to get what you care for.

i dont know what tonight is gonna bring, i dont know whats going on while im not around, i just know i got a song in my head that seems to be a good foundation right now.
if there was a joke i knew of i'd spit it right here, maybe next time.

to view this life above the city

hopefully one day i'l hear it all, we'll all say the whole story, maybe it will make us feel better.