Put a BUg Into My Ear

Shwaaadog.


fuck-ish, at least one more hour til work.

at least i got tomorrow off and so on.
hopefully we'll head down to San Diego For a destination unknown day.
maybe find a record store and just cruise and have pit stops and eat some good grub.

maybe theres a good show at soma, but fucklings....i cant really spend money until next paycheck. hm

for jades b-day it'd be swell to take her to medieval times.
that'd be awesome for both ends. :)

someday we should start our own record shop around SC..man that'd be ace.

i wish i had enough cash to buy the little book store thats...i guess for sale?...that'd be the best place, its sort of underground..at least half of it...its got cool look in windows and the whole bungalow of awesomeness to get creative with.

i think if the record stores around here could pull it off, especially the independent ones, mann.....our shot could make it.

gym tonight? fuck...i hope so.

i would wanna try a doughnut filled with m'ms like i saw on land of the lost...that movie was pretty swell.

UP...man that movie was rad! kinda depressing though. but leaves ya with a good feeling towards the end like..pretty much any disney movie.

we're outta T.P. shit, i think we need to go to the 99 cent store and just go nuts on T.P.

i think i should put on some pants...

shit bag, bag shits....

so its boiling in this apt right now..and im stalling on turning on the fan...cause im stuck on watching this video of fucked up's performance


man i wanna see them so bad




and this shit is dope as well.


i'd piss my little britces to see them soon...pronto


so today worked went well, i cant wait to ditch that place when i get a new job, give the manager the biggest bird i can stretch out on my finger.... i would wanna play a prank or two...maybe unscrew his chair a litle bit so he fumbles on his jiggly ass when he slams his weight on it...buUUUT anyway.

waiting for....something to happen next.

gonna have a mellow night, eat....maybe go wonder, or maybe go to the sauna and sweat and pour taht weird peppermint oil on the rocks.

i wish the mirimar was a venue, and i could put in options on who would play there, mainly hardcore and punk and skacore...get drunk and go to shows. awesome

gogol was nice, some parts of it i felt...weird, like...kind of a slap in my face that i've changed. but, i dont know.....its weird.
but the performance was pretty swell.

dude sometimes i need to just STOP eating, i downed a cumquat load of toasts...and thats a lot in my language.

probably gonna snack on whatever is on the table tonight...oh well
i gotta get back in a routine of exercise again, not just once in a blue moon.

i wish they had waterparks open at night, and just heated water...that'd be the damndest

i think next album to get snag will be none more blacks 12" ...this is satire? or file under black...probaly file under.


shit, i need to get more socks.

who knows what we'll be doing next, maybe play fucked up's record on the turntable


or....shit, im tired. maybe actually sleep.


asta la fuck off amigo's

what could we have done to deserve a violence like this..

i havent been on here so long i forgot my password.

then trying to retrieve it takes 20 steps to do

and they all tell you to repeat the same step before it.
linke after link, "go here" just so you can go back and go "here" again

and retype what you "just" typed just to retype something so you know what you'll be typiing from now on as your password.


but at least i made it. :)








lately i've had more time to myself on occasion.

my right eye is always blurry lately, like im always JUST waking up in a series of moments and my eyes are still always trying to adjust.

shits been really grey lately.

i cant really say anything with conviction on how my state of being is, how my state of mind is either.

most of the time i feel guilty writting anything less than humourus or upbeat on anything.

so when i come to parts in my day-to-day living, where i just give in, and cave that im not walking through the best of days..its just almost shameful

i finally broke a long stream of lazyness last night, i felt sweating and having my heart pound and lack of breath was more comfortable than being in the room. so i guess an excuse led me to get up and go back to the gym.

it was empy, and it felt libearating.
i never know what to listen to. then it always ends up wahtever i pick, usually gets me going, last night i revisited my against me! collection of songs.

i love it when bands i love come out with live cd's...i always picture myself in the band or just playing it on stage and just everything from the crowd, to the heat and every strum and jump and movement as some chaotic masterpiece feeling.

or i also think back to times i've seen them while live, it goes back and forth..

i have their searching for a former clarity record spinning on the turntable right now....really running out its course but, it suits right now.
listening to pretty girls. i remember that song gives me chills everytime i hear it, or sing it. just at certain moments the way its sung, and the lyrics and peaceful yet rumbling energy and tone. just makes me close my eyes, and for a moment, it seems the world stops...and only thing that matters is this very second of indulgence to the only thing that feels right now adays.

....i should be finishing my little workout, but...my fingers are getting momentum

the run went well, it was only a little harder than before, and the crackers i ate just 20 min prior were trying to get in on the action outside my body too, good thing my time was up right around the time i felt i was gonnna barf

in a room made for crowds, but find yourself the only one in em. it feels weird.
almost a sence of privelage, and comfort. reminds you that there is an existence, but this experience is just for you.

after that, i wanted to just sleep...but didnt really wanna go back home, i didnt have the gas to drive around, and nowhere really to park and sleep without some cop coming by right around the time im sure i'd just be getting comfortable.

so i jusst headed home. took my time, walked slow...took the backroads.

i wanna read more, i just wish i got good suggestions of books..seems the ones everyone suggests....i read half the book and i just wonder where the hell this is going, i didnt get anything from them.

then i see all these people i look up to, saying quotes, and even in just one sentence, im hooked.


my hygene isnt winning a gold medal lately

i need to get more clothes, to feel a little more sence of pride when i do laundry, rather than just putting in torn up shorts and a worn out dull shirt that doesnt fit right anymore.

right now, im listening to violence from against me, i've played it over probably 6 times while on this.


sometimes its nice doing things alone...i just wish i had somewhere to go that i havent been before.

who knows what the rest of the day will go

i hope i have energy to go back to the gym or run the hill.

i think my frustration might fuel me

oh, heres pretty girls again.....and im feeling uplifted


peace

break it pepe le' pew!

Soon I will obtain these products
just gotta show a little more leg on the corner of el camino real and pch









and last but not least
.....ladies??
ha ...jk. or am I?

Im all hyped up on mountain DEW!

Man O- MAN
seems one thing after another pops up that just gives me the reminder that i might have something terminal going on in my body
blEHH
as foolish as it sounds, im just not gonna worry about it
i dont have the cash to worry about it.

I feel all greased up for some reason, i feel like a human sized french fry.
who needs wd-40 when my face is right here, greased and shiny.
man i gotta summersault into the shower soon.

tried calling into work, they dont need me...its flipped now, i would rather go to work. At least for now. Not many people wanna hang out, most people i know, they say they're all...kinda up shit creek lately or bored outta their mind, but they never wanna do anyting. ANd when we try to hang out, it seems they would rather be by themselves. Everyones got their own reasons, but dont say you dont have options, you just choose not to take them.

BUT!
yea, things arent crazy lately, but they're pleasant
sooooon enough, i'll have some cash enough to snag that record player
got the Toyotas LP
its fucking dandy


these are the two tracks from it..take a earfull, see whatchya think

MySpace Playlist at MixPod.com

MySpace Playlist at MixPod.com

its good stuff to get ya goin.


so, not much to spit about
jade picked up the religulous movie


i love the points he makes, although i dont think he was stern enough on his point, he mainly asks questions, and only provokes them to tell the full truth rather than just a topic line, wich most of religion is just "well god says so"...he tries to get the people and experts to explain it logically..and most of them end up choking on their words. the bible, the cutest story ever written...talk about plagiarism

its jsut scary how many people buy into it so deeply, yes faith is good if it keeps you going, but a belief that its set in stone, and there is no other way..man these people just look disgusting and foolish. You just have to accept everything that these men made up, for social control..money, and corruption. If the world comes to an end, its not because of god..its peoples misinterpritation of it all to begin with.


a good quote from the movie when he's making his final statement



"religion must die for mankind to live, The hour is getting very late to be able to indulge in having key decisions made by religious people, by irrationalist by those who would steer the ship at state, not by a compass but of by the equivilent of reading the entrails of a chicken.

George Bush prayed a lot about iraq but didnt learn a lot about it. Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking. Its nothing to brag about.

Those who preach faith, and enable and elevate it are intellectual slave holders, Keeping man-kind in a bondage to fantasy and non-sence that has spawned and justified so much lunacy and destruction


Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don't have all the answers to think that they do. Most people would think it's wonderful when someone says, 'I'm willing Lord, I'll do whatever you want me to do.
' Except that since there are no gods actually talking to us, that void is filled in by people with their own corruptions and limitations and agendas



and anyone who tells you they know, who just KNOW what happens when you die..i promise you, they dont. How could i be so sure? because i dont know. And you do not posess mental powers that i do not

the only appropritate attitude for man to have for the BIG questions is not the arrogant certitude that is the hallmark of religion, but doubt.
Doubt Is humble, and that is what man needs to be,
considering that human history is just a list
of getting shit dead wrong


"during those days men will seek death, But will not find it: they will long to die, but death will elude them" -revelations 9:6

"the last hour will not come unless there is much bloodshed" -hadith sahih muslim, 41:6903

this is why rational people, anti-religous must end their timidity and come out of the closet and assert themsevles
and those who consider themselves moderately religous..
you need to look in the mirror and realize that the solice and comfort that religion brings you actually comes at a terrible price


"the grace of the lord jesus be with gods temple. amen"-revelations 22:21

praise be to allah...master of the day of judgement" -surah al-fatihah 1:2-4


if you belong to a political party or a social club that was tied to as much bigotry and misadgony and homophobia violence and sheer ignorance as religion is..you'd resign and protest to do otherwise is to enable, a mafia wife with the true devils of extremism that draw their legitimacy from the billions of their fellow travelers

if the world does come to an end here, or wherever or if it limps into the future decimated by the effects of a religion inspired nuclear terroism
lets remember what the real problem was

that we learned to percipitate mass death, before we got pass the neurological disorder, of wishing for it

thats it, grow up..or die."

i eat emo kids for breakfeast

ha, i forgot about this little snag of poetry
i have to agree, tough dudes and asswads annoy the sharts outta me
its almost overwhelming

we got drug checked last night by oinkers
though they were respectful, i cant really say they were arshholes
it kinda spiffed up the night in some way

im gonna raid your girls sock drawer if its the last thing i do

MySpace Playlist at MixPod.com

its a jizzin' sauna in this mutha fardge

Shit i forgot that the heater was on
felt like i was breathing in dogs breath on a hot summer day annnd..not a party that is

i feel like a blob couped up in this apt most of the time
im stoked as sharz that we got this place of course
i just wish i had more umph and options to seek out
maybe i gotta look deeper
yes, yes thats it
take more trains to more places
more bus rides to more locations
meet more people and different faces


i gotta break out somehoww of this mold i feel im stuck in
to be really free from all the bars and chains i put on myself
its all easily pushed on you, but you dont have to put them on
i put way too many limitations on myself and how i live my life
i dwindle my enjoyment and think of consequences way to much
i wanna live the experience and not just dread on what bad outcome could come
i think somehow in the end you always win
i've had bad choices but they tought me things, and the ride itself has its own beauty no matter what it was
it could have been bittersweet or radical
and there's too many "i's" up there...farck taht

theres a opportunity in everyday
and it doesnt have to be over the top, action packed mind blowing
just pleasurable, nice, and enjoyable.
to just get out.
"where you going?"
"not sure"
"but theres something out there waiting to be found or seen, or listened to, felt, acknowledged, or experienced...im gonna go keep an eye out to what that might be today"
thats what i'd like to keep in mind

and blow off every outside clashing thought
if its good to you, then tahts all you need
its your eyes, your life, and you story
no one can tell it like you can, or live it like you should
it all binds into how others see us, or how we feel others see us or think about us
i jsut wanna loose that weight, i say it to myself but always get tangled up in it somehow
its time to make my own stories
feel that breeze truly
dont idolize those dummies on tv


yeah bordem happens
nothing a slingshot cant cure

on a rad note i got work!! son!
only 5 hours but i need that fity bucks def
that mobile couch on wheels starting giving me sass yesterday while on the road
keepin my eye on that def.

i wish me and you, we could pass this barrier thats stopping us from being ourselves around eachother
you and i could create some amazing memories i think
just let it all go, your reputation, your security, your desire for acceptance...tear it all down
til you know you have nothing to loose, and lets gain this together

MySpace Music Playlist at MixPod.com

There is a man with no face
And a name I don't remember
Who lives in a house in the middle of the woods
And he said once "Son, don't you ever laugh out loud for they are listening,
Yes they are listening
Oh you've got to be strong
Oh, you've got to keep holding on
It's now just a matter of time"
(Head for the hills, go!)

They provide the paint for the picture perfect masterpiece
that you will paint on the insides of your eyelids;
Can you possibly see anything you want to see?
No (Hell No!)
"There's nothing wrong with the way I see"
and he wanted to be a soldier in the next great war
he wanted to kill and fight and maim but not be told what he was fighting for
And that's the way it's going to have to be my friend,
And that's the way it's going to have to be my friend

I passed a man on the corner in the city yesterday singing
"Yada yada yada and tomorrow it'll never end"
and I never thought I'd never live to see another sunny day
but I'm here and I fear I'll be here till the end
So watch your mouth
Or you're going to make a grave mistake
Hold your tongue
Or you're going to catch a bullet in the head
So watch your mouth
Or you're going to make a grave mistake
Don't die for anything less than the best of life

The things you said went to your head
But you never tried to understand:
What they'll take you will never take back what they take when take what they can
because they can from you
You follow me and you follow me but you never ask why
And I wonder what you're under could this be another piece of the
"I don't know I just do what they say because they say what to do in a matter of fact way"
But don't stop because you might get burned
And you might just learn to stand on your own two feet
And I think that it's neat how you learn to repeat everything
that you hear in the street so well
You learn to repeat everything that you hear so well
You learn to repeat everything that you hear so well

And everyone was resting because they thought it was the end
And even if it wasn't they decide they'd pretend
And somewhere in the distance I could hear him whispering
"You can fight all you want you'll never win in the end"

Sometimes in the evening when I'm lying in my bed
I am taken to the forest to the isolated shed
And I wake with his words resonating in my head
And I can't stop thinking about the gist of what he said

He said:
So watch your mouth
Or you're going to make a grave mistake
Hold your tongue
Or you're going to catch a bullet in the head
So watch your mouth
Or you're going to make a grave mistake
Don't die for anything less than the best of,
Everyone settles for the rest not the best of,
I will die for no less than the best of life

dont make me go batman on your ass

so valetines day was a pleasant experience. im lucky...shreally lucky.
ate some things we never eat on a regular basis
im talking lasagna SON!!
annnd carrot cake to top off the festive event. damn!
ha to drive out to santa ana for a favor to my sista
no biggy, just cash is a dickhead these days
im gettin pretty sketched out now
i knew our economy was bad, but..i'll admit it, it never hits you til its actually affecting you and knockin on your doorstep.
i've never had much money at all.
but now with the bills and all these lame ass charges for everything
man, it'll take some sweat but it shall be done
im just glad i have a place to go to
a roof to be under. and food to digest
and for that ,im over the top greatful
cause thats all i need, its more than i need

hopefully today we'll go run the hill
it was fun when it started pouring while running at night
i just closed my eyes and tilted my head up towards the sky
it was just refreshing, in more than one way
physically and mentally.
kinda like it just came to wash away a few things inside and out.

i just hope soon everyone will drop their egos
and just see everyone eye to eye as they are
i cant stand people who put themselves on pedistals
especially for undeserving things
just becuase you have lots of money, or graduated at some high level prestige school doesnt make you a good person, not at all
its what you do with those tools that make you a good person, and how many people you can help.




this song by streetlight manifesto i think literally helped me in life
it just boosted me up when i needed it
i needed to hear these words sung in this way at the right time
and they delivered perfectly
and its a saying and song that i constantly go back to and just nod my head in agreement
i just relate to it more than ever now
the people i encounter everyday
the ones i know, and the ones i have yet to indulge in
people change, faces switch on you
sometimes it can leave you feeling stuck in quicksand
to where you know you only have a few more gasps of breath til you go under
the relation i have with you today can change tomorrow
all the things you find as your foundation and your familiar with can be swept out from underneath you in a matter of one morning
this song just braces me pretty much
its a anthem for me, for when you know your kinda in a pickle,
and things are more uncomfortable than enjoyable
but you have the mentality that whether we win or not, we knew the truth and we knew the reality of it all,
whehter it was good or bad, we didnt loose ourselves in it all...
its jsut a song that lifts you up and prepares you,
you find out who are your real friends at the time, and who are the ones you need to watch your back from,
and having the courage to find a new setting and leaving all the bad things in your life, all the cancer that you found yourself associating with
knowing all the fake faces and smiles and people jsut playing their bullshit script
just calling out the two faces

basically accepting what is going on infront of you, and getting the umph to move past it all...sometime people are decieving

these chaps are fucking amazing live as well

MySpace Playlist at MixPod.com

Don't you come to me with all your color-coded quotes
Everybody's laughing but they never ever get my jokes
Fool, you're a tool, a sheep
And it's obvious to everyone but company you keep

And don't you squint at me because your childhood was the pits
Every single one of us have trodden through our shit
Oh, and I know you're shrewd
Cause I smell it on your clothes
And it's in everything you do

Falling, fallen, we all fall down
It only really matters how we stand our ground
And if and when we rise to our feet again
We'll be on our own

Everything we built (it's gone)
And every one around (is stunned)
We just sit here staring blankly
And everything goes numb
Lord, if I felt a thing
I could wrap my mind around this
And prevent our getting singed

And please excuse my enemies
I think they do not know
I will gladly self destruct if they leave me alone
friend, that's the end of us
Cause you're way behind in empathy and overdue on trust

Calmly, calmly and patiently
We've seen all the evidence
But still cannot believe
and if and when we rise to our feet again
We'll be on our own

Somehow, someway, we persevere
The questions on our lips fall on deafened ears
and if and when we rise to our feet again
We'll be on our own

wait! you forgot your pile of toxic waste!

so its V day!..im broke as a bullet through a window but when the fuck has having more money means you love them more. NO WAY!

but i will try to snag a flower or two. a card and whatnots

some dinner and hopefully a good night

today woke up not soo early ,but for me, it was a little bit sooner than normal

i went running with all the other mice in our exercise wheels...aka the gym

just observing people. That is the place where you will find the highest amount of insecurity around

everyone is there because they dont like something about themselves and are self conscious.

everyone wants to be a robot there, its just so ridiculous i cant help but laugh while im there. ha im not someone who's got it figured out, but they just seem so caged. so druged down and like drones. looking around to see what they can do to blend in, to walk the same line. no one smiles, or shows there alive, everyone keeps their sight just straight ahead, trying to act like no one else is around. its just lame. everyone is just so wigged uot trying to reach a goal that they see on billboards, a goal that is constantly changing or the bar is being rasied higher and higher. ...tools.

at least show that your alive. everyone is just dazed...blank faces, and all the lamefarts are just admiring how awesome they think they are, and they might as well marry that mirror that they're eye-fucking themselves with.

im sure if they had a dick big enough he would stick it up his own ass cause he thinks he's such hot shit and loves himself so much

anyway!. its just crazy, the people who have it all mixed up think they've got it all right, like i said..i know im not mr. "have it all pinned down" but i at least know that THAT isnt what enjoyment should look like...

but uhhh!!!

hm. oh yea saw revolutionary road a ways back. i like the message in that movie, ha...its kinda like what i was rambling about up thurr. how people are just in a body cast pretty much with the way they live in suburbia. everyone programmed to follow the same assembly line that they cant stand, but are too feaful to step out of. going to the same job, dressed like all the same people, all stopping and going at the same time, never admiring the true beauty..just look a dead vision of how they are at this point, and what they need to do to get to the next.

they say the quickest way from one point to another is a straight line, but i'd rather wander in a way. i'd like to stop, and look around and explore the options of life. in the end that movie was a good message. hah and some lady was braindead walking outta that movie, saying something in suprise on "how they seemed so unhappy" ha, thats kinda the point of the movie..are we really happy? and are we really doing what we wanna do? or is this what everyone else is doing, and we feel a false sence of happiness, just a lack of worry that we arent the only ones doing it.

you might as well be in shackles

so uhh..
i guess music rocks my life, and i always get tongue tied and some lyrics seem to pin ppoint stuff perfectly. Or topics that are being sung about just give me chills on how dead on they are..i think as much as possible i'll put a song on here with lyrics if i can hear them out good enough.

its always good to hear music regardless

MySpace Music Playlist at MixPod.com

well once upon a time this town had a name
built the gurders for the buildings that you climb everyday
but the well went dry
and the crops all died
now there aint much to show you but a highway sign
but i swear
to that statue in the square
that there used to be something there
but now there aint no jobs in steeltown
no not anymore

well business man in business suit
used lots of big words like economic and boom
theres tons of waste
that needs a place
well we got the money if you got the space
and besides
you need to be revitalized
and your workers need 9 to 5's
and hey!
its good for jobs in steeltown
not like before

for jobs in steel town
no not like before

well there once was steel
now its iron bars
they need food spooners janitors and prison guards
and they look out
and i look in
sometimes i forget who the prisoner is
but its fine
cause their numbers are on the rise
bad bad guy! has another side
and hey
its good for jobs in steel town
for the working and poor

from wall street to main street

child connect the dots and see
we all live on the same street


well the days gonna come when the well goes dry
the executives will pack up and say goodbye
and they'll smile and waive.
and we'll say wait!
you forgot your pile of toxic waste!
hey
we got families to raise
this is where i gotta plant my grave
but no there aint no jobs in steel town
no not anymore

fix my head with a knife!!

i guess mmmlately. i've kinda been feeling a desire among many
it'd be nice to come by a person to motivate me, someone to kinda look up to or at least that would push me, and hopefully i would return the favor
just something or someone to drive eachother to be productive.
to show eachother things, not just have it be one way
to tell me new things, or show me new places or look at things a new way
just someones point of view on life, and their drive that keeps them motivated to stay in it. Someone to push me, so we can push eachother
everything is so blah blah..and i know im no spiffed up peice of gold when it comes to excitement but fuuuuck..i just wanna turn the page
or it'd be rad to have that friend that you two always get in crazy shit with, the kind that will call you up in the middle of the night or knock on your door or window, beggin you to come see what shit the found
those "dude!! you gotta come with me and see this!"
not because they feel thye need to impress, but cause its something they're fascinated with and they wanna share it. Not because they think i might like it, but because they do..and they wanna indulge me in it too. and they dont give a fuck if i like it or not..even if i did or if i didnt, i'd be happy in the end that i took that ride..that anything


anddd another thing iv'e been kinda noticing
mostly everyone i talk to ..not everyone, but enough for me to be "whoa"
..when it comes to their relationships...its kinda selfish on their part
they ONLY talk about things the other person does for their benefit or their happiness. its weird
like people always say "oh they just make me laugh, or they always listen to me, or their nice to me''
and hell yea that should be the case but i mean...fuck, your basiaclly sucking all of this up
im probaly stupid about this..im kinda tired
but i just remember almost any girl i liked or i admired or wanted to get to know and go out with, when people asked me what was up with it i always was just talking about how admirable or awesome she was just in herself..not because, oh they do this for me or this or that and zip.
so why are they so special?
"cause she listens to me, and makes me laugh, and cares about me and is nice to me"

oh, well tahts good, but why are they so special? not why they're so special to you cause they make YOU feel special. why Are THEY..?

why are they?

im just being a dick in the butt today..but running in the rain was rad

:)

yes shwee CAn

the first 30 min after waking up are the best i experience when in this apt.

especially when you see the clouds inching their way filling the sky to hopefully bring a good dose of moisture..

bills blow, money is a whore, and velveeta shells macaronni and cheese will probably ruin my life

bleh blah

man i cant help but get brought back to all these reminders of all these things being untold. just tiny things i feel stupid for even hanging on to but, to me they're just things that mean a lot when they're not being said or being mentioned.

you know what i mean?

yea its an innocent thing, but when its something tahts purposely skipped, delted, untold or just lied about, then its a new thing..it means something more.
and im geting sick of it.
im just stoked i got a lot of distractions coming and infront of me so that should hold me steady for a few days

but-buh-buh-buH!


im lookin fo'ward to be seeing that coraline movie. i love how those movies make me feel, just put me in a state of mind...kind of at ease, just indulged in the whole experience of those kind of movies, the feelnig of how the characters look and act, the backround the music, its just kinda mezmorizing. kinda eerie fantasy to just let yourself get lost in..

ANNNNDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my ASS! is bleeding!

hm, i gotta get moving somewhere
i gotta focus my vision
i gotta hit some sort of bottom for me to feel like i can only move forward
its sucha a buttplug.

i kinda feel uncomfortable in almost any situation
just crawling outta my skin
like those pants that you wear that just ...dont fit right, rub against you in the wrong areas...itchy.
something like that
Party on SAT?..if you wanna come, shoot on by

i wish i could read your mind, i wish you would let me into your past too, so we could both move on with our future. But these thigns i wish i just was told before..finding them out now jsut sends me back to the start.

i wish we could sit where the world is silent, and almost dead. Finally get out what we wanna get out.

Lets just stay true
lets set the example for everything we wish we could find, lets find it in ourselves

im kinda nervous whats gonna happen on sat.


















ha, oh yea i ran straight into a goddamn street sign pole yetserday walking around town hah, just walked on like i walked right through it..


oh, i forgot about this ha..

Rejected Cartoons

when the field is wide open, i'll pick the horse who's go the biggets heart.

i keep coming to these stop signs
these reminders of where im going
not in the area that your thinking
the area that i constantly have to convince myself doesnt exist
another clue...another opportunity for you to tell the truth leaves you adding more lies to your bag.
Im in an odd place with it
it hurts, and leaves me with an empty feeling in the chest and throat.
Head is like gunfire with thoughts.
I dont know if you settled
if you got sidetracked from what you really were eyeing down

you scare me now
i try to play the songs loud enough to where i can think of anything else
but the volume doesnt really go that high
my sence and demeanor of me being "ok" now is just me cracking under the pressure...giving in, my struggle against this current is wearing me down
so i let go..
im in a straight jacket, and i feel stupid
all this shit is jsut a cover up
i really do not know who you are
And i guess right now i dont want to anymore

i wanna be free
i wanna feel something
i wanna be indulged in a overwhelming moment
not the ones i've been getting with you
and i cant really understand how you'd be suprised with this.
I cant get through this song fully
i keep replaying it ...because when it starts, i just close my eyes and feel the first sence of liberation i've felt in a while without reality standing right behind it dwindling the flame
its just not what it might have been befor
it hurts to even get close
cause its all just a sham
its a distraction
its all hidden under the rug
and your dancing around trying to keep the focus off of it
my happiness is my denial from the truth.

it'd be a fresh breath to meet someone genuine
someone who is nothing but what is upfront
no hidden agendas
no white lies
what you see is what you get
it just seems impossible
trying to find shelter in an empty field

to run away, and live the life that we've been wanting to come across for so long
be those few that didnt crack under the pressure surrounding us
be those that didnt give in to the degrading values, and the bogus terms like loyality and honesty that have lost their meaning these days
theres a whole book of things i dont know about you
all i wanted to kow was the honest truth
now i cant even bring myself to ask who you are anymore
your not really the black in the crowd of white...you blend in with them all now.
theres thigns you'll never tell me, theres things that will go on that you'll hide, delete or leave out
everything was switched up...and faces turned
your ways just scare me now.
i smile now, cause i know theres nothing i can do about it, no matter what the water is gonna pour over the edge, so celebrate what you have now til the next tidal wave comes...thats the fuel for my laughs now adays....loss of hope with this, makes me laugh

this turned me into what i am now.

but for some reason, i feel more than ever..that things will work out in general with everything. some things must go though...some things must go, and its obvious where you'll end up, with the reason why i was too scared to leave it in the first place..and still.
im just swimming trying to find the surface to get a breath
until then *** remain just imaginary

Ya've got to hold onto everything..

In A matter of Minutes Our realtionship could change.
I guess its true in the end
our lifes are just a marble on the deck of a ship in rough seas.
We're friends, passerby-ers, enemies, admirers, loathers, strangers, confide in eachother, we're what we've been looking for all along.We're the ones we cant stand. We will spend our whole lives wishing we would come across eachother, and we'll always wonder if You, Her, Him, were the ones that we shouldnt have let go.

In One moment,one ink spot in time, one word, one action or one realization...we are switched up from our labels we have for eachother, or emotions we reserve for one another.
Where i am at now, i never thought i would have reached when i was back there. Whether i like it or not is all relevant
I ignore ones i never thought i would want to ignore
im trying to forget the ones i thought i would always want to remember.
i hug and kiss the ones i never thought i'd have the chance to hug
i lay next to a privelage, i fall asleep in a fantasy, and wake up to dred, anticipation, and curiosity, and security.

Who knows what we'll be to one another in a day, in a week, in a year.
Who knows what new subjects will be brought into our situation, how our outcomes, and circumstances and options will be switched with every min, with every thought we process, every greeting to every new face.

In an hour i might rely on you
you might save me tomorrow
I could change how you look at things
we all could become what keeps us going
This, And you, Us.. could become the memory i always wanted to have
I could hate this in days to come
we could fall back in love
we could fall out of it.
look around at things your life. your routine, and your randoms.
what if a stranger becomes the thing you thought you never could live without
your loved ones change faces on you...
we could be enemies on thur.
you could move on from the ones that drag you down
or burry the ones you love.
ITs all a coin toss, but it never seems that the coin lands on one side
we could guide eachother through this mess, and celebrate with one another at the end of it all
or tomorrow you'll have to walk through this all alone..

all im saynig is obvious and simple

i stop and look at everything on the table right now, and even the things around it...
whats next?
whos my next friend, and enemy...the next friend to rely on, or dissapointment.

i look at people beside me everyday and wonder whats our titles gonna be with the next jump in time.



we could change eachothers lives soon
but first we'd have to know one another. first we'd have to say "hi"

we're becoming one big bag of skittles

ha, so its a few days or a week or -ish past the new year..so far its been rollin along the lines of smooth pretty swell, kinda did some social cleansing, not necessarily stopped talking to "friends" but just removed the reminder of the ones i never speak to anyway. Somethings like that...feeel meh???

anyway, kinda trying to have a fresh start. trying to work out and get healthy withouut exhausting myself to where its just ..a job.

before i would go everyday wtih running 5 miles, then running an extra mile or maybe a little shy of a mile uphill, then exercise at home for an hour..repeat.

now its just, eh...eat healthy, and keep a balance of shweating and hard breathing.

ha i died my hair for a day. tried to bleach it...came out gold but, it was different which what i was shooting for

lately my attitude has been really "uppity" which im liking. Im just becoming more secure with myself again. not as much as i used to be but im getting back into the groove slowly but surely.

i wanna write more songs, last night a co-worker ended up putting my songs on his phone and he was palying them all out loud with the closing crew..ha, its just embarrasing cause its around people i dont really act or feel comfortable around..so i just laughed and whatnot but it was kind of embarrassing, i guess everyone was being nice and said it sounded pretty good so..i dont know, that made my night, even if they were trying to be nice.

i jsut gotta get into the groove again, just simplify things...and not making music writting so complicated, jsut let whatever comes..come. when its natural, regardless of what it sounds like...it sounds bettter when it flows.

anyway, i dont have much to say right now. i got stuff but im not sure how to put it into words


this still gets me though



"griping isnt the same as creating something
rebelling isnt rebuilding
ridiculling isnt replacing
We've taken the world apart, but we have no idea what to do with the pieces
My generation, All of our making fun of things isnt making the world any better
we've spent so much time judging what other people created that we've created very, very little of our own
I used rebellion as a way to hide out
we use criticism as a fake participation



we can spend our lives letting the world tell us who we are
sane or insane. saints or sex addicts. heros or victims.
letting history tell us how good or bad we are.
letting our past decide our future
or we can decide for ourselves... "