my ASS! is bleeding!

hm, i gotta get moving somewhere
i gotta focus my vision
i gotta hit some sort of bottom for me to feel like i can only move forward
its sucha a buttplug.

i kinda feel uncomfortable in almost any situation
just crawling outta my skin
like those pants that you wear that just ...dont fit right, rub against you in the wrong areas...itchy.
something like that
Party on SAT?..if you wanna come, shoot on by

i wish i could read your mind, i wish you would let me into your past too, so we could both move on with our future. But these thigns i wish i just was told before..finding them out now jsut sends me back to the start.

i wish we could sit where the world is silent, and almost dead. Finally get out what we wanna get out.

Lets just stay true
lets set the example for everything we wish we could find, lets find it in ourselves

im kinda nervous whats gonna happen on sat.


















ha, oh yea i ran straight into a goddamn street sign pole yetserday walking around town hah, just walked on like i walked right through it..


oh, i forgot about this ha..

Rejected Cartoons

when the field is wide open, i'll pick the horse who's go the biggets heart.

i keep coming to these stop signs
these reminders of where im going
not in the area that your thinking
the area that i constantly have to convince myself doesnt exist
another clue...another opportunity for you to tell the truth leaves you adding more lies to your bag.
Im in an odd place with it
it hurts, and leaves me with an empty feeling in the chest and throat.
Head is like gunfire with thoughts.
I dont know if you settled
if you got sidetracked from what you really were eyeing down

you scare me now
i try to play the songs loud enough to where i can think of anything else
but the volume doesnt really go that high
my sence and demeanor of me being "ok" now is just me cracking under the pressure...giving in, my struggle against this current is wearing me down
so i let go..
im in a straight jacket, and i feel stupid
all this shit is jsut a cover up
i really do not know who you are
And i guess right now i dont want to anymore

i wanna be free
i wanna feel something
i wanna be indulged in a overwhelming moment
not the ones i've been getting with you
and i cant really understand how you'd be suprised with this.
I cant get through this song fully
i keep replaying it ...because when it starts, i just close my eyes and feel the first sence of liberation i've felt in a while without reality standing right behind it dwindling the flame
its just not what it might have been befor
it hurts to even get close
cause its all just a sham
its a distraction
its all hidden under the rug
and your dancing around trying to keep the focus off of it
my happiness is my denial from the truth.

it'd be a fresh breath to meet someone genuine
someone who is nothing but what is upfront
no hidden agendas
no white lies
what you see is what you get
it just seems impossible
trying to find shelter in an empty field

to run away, and live the life that we've been wanting to come across for so long
be those few that didnt crack under the pressure surrounding us
be those that didnt give in to the degrading values, and the bogus terms like loyality and honesty that have lost their meaning these days
theres a whole book of things i dont know about you
all i wanted to kow was the honest truth
now i cant even bring myself to ask who you are anymore
your not really the black in the crowd of white...you blend in with them all now.
theres thigns you'll never tell me, theres things that will go on that you'll hide, delete or leave out
everything was switched up...and faces turned
your ways just scare me now.
i smile now, cause i know theres nothing i can do about it, no matter what the water is gonna pour over the edge, so celebrate what you have now til the next tidal wave comes...thats the fuel for my laughs now adays....loss of hope with this, makes me laugh

this turned me into what i am now.

but for some reason, i feel more than ever..that things will work out in general with everything. some things must go though...some things must go, and its obvious where you'll end up, with the reason why i was too scared to leave it in the first place..and still.
im just swimming trying to find the surface to get a breath
until then *** remain just imaginary

Ya've got to hold onto everything..

In A matter of Minutes Our realtionship could change.
I guess its true in the end
our lifes are just a marble on the deck of a ship in rough seas.
We're friends, passerby-ers, enemies, admirers, loathers, strangers, confide in eachother, we're what we've been looking for all along.We're the ones we cant stand. We will spend our whole lives wishing we would come across eachother, and we'll always wonder if You, Her, Him, were the ones that we shouldnt have let go.

In One moment,one ink spot in time, one word, one action or one realization...we are switched up from our labels we have for eachother, or emotions we reserve for one another.
Where i am at now, i never thought i would have reached when i was back there. Whether i like it or not is all relevant
I ignore ones i never thought i would want to ignore
im trying to forget the ones i thought i would always want to remember.
i hug and kiss the ones i never thought i'd have the chance to hug
i lay next to a privelage, i fall asleep in a fantasy, and wake up to dred, anticipation, and curiosity, and security.

Who knows what we'll be to one another in a day, in a week, in a year.
Who knows what new subjects will be brought into our situation, how our outcomes, and circumstances and options will be switched with every min, with every thought we process, every greeting to every new face.

In an hour i might rely on you
you might save me tomorrow
I could change how you look at things
we all could become what keeps us going
This, And you, Us.. could become the memory i always wanted to have
I could hate this in days to come
we could fall back in love
we could fall out of it.
look around at things your life. your routine, and your randoms.
what if a stranger becomes the thing you thought you never could live without
your loved ones change faces on you...
we could be enemies on thur.
you could move on from the ones that drag you down
or burry the ones you love.
ITs all a coin toss, but it never seems that the coin lands on one side
we could guide eachother through this mess, and celebrate with one another at the end of it all
or tomorrow you'll have to walk through this all alone..

all im saynig is obvious and simple

i stop and look at everything on the table right now, and even the things around it...
whats next?
whos my next friend, and enemy...the next friend to rely on, or dissapointment.

i look at people beside me everyday and wonder whats our titles gonna be with the next jump in time.



we could change eachothers lives soon
but first we'd have to know one another. first we'd have to say "hi"

we're becoming one big bag of skittles

ha, so its a few days or a week or -ish past the new year..so far its been rollin along the lines of smooth pretty swell, kinda did some social cleansing, not necessarily stopped talking to "friends" but just removed the reminder of the ones i never speak to anyway. Somethings like that...feeel meh???

anyway, kinda trying to have a fresh start. trying to work out and get healthy withouut exhausting myself to where its just ..a job.

before i would go everyday wtih running 5 miles, then running an extra mile or maybe a little shy of a mile uphill, then exercise at home for an hour..repeat.

now its just, eh...eat healthy, and keep a balance of shweating and hard breathing.

ha i died my hair for a day. tried to bleach it...came out gold but, it was different which what i was shooting for

lately my attitude has been really "uppity" which im liking. Im just becoming more secure with myself again. not as much as i used to be but im getting back into the groove slowly but surely.

i wanna write more songs, last night a co-worker ended up putting my songs on his phone and he was palying them all out loud with the closing crew..ha, its just embarrasing cause its around people i dont really act or feel comfortable around..so i just laughed and whatnot but it was kind of embarrassing, i guess everyone was being nice and said it sounded pretty good so..i dont know, that made my night, even if they were trying to be nice.

i jsut gotta get into the groove again, just simplify things...and not making music writting so complicated, jsut let whatever comes..come. when its natural, regardless of what it sounds like...it sounds bettter when it flows.

anyway, i dont have much to say right now. i got stuff but im not sure how to put it into words


this still gets me though



"griping isnt the same as creating something
rebelling isnt rebuilding
ridiculling isnt replacing
We've taken the world apart, but we have no idea what to do with the pieces
My generation, All of our making fun of things isnt making the world any better
we've spent so much time judging what other people created that we've created very, very little of our own
I used rebellion as a way to hide out
we use criticism as a fake participation



we can spend our lives letting the world tell us who we are
sane or insane. saints or sex addicts. heros or victims.
letting history tell us how good or bad we are.
letting our past decide our future
or we can decide for ourselves... "