what could we have done to deserve a violence like this..

i havent been on here so long i forgot my password.

then trying to retrieve it takes 20 steps to do

and they all tell you to repeat the same step before it.
linke after link, "go here" just so you can go back and go "here" again

and retype what you "just" typed just to retype something so you know what you'll be typiing from now on as your password.


but at least i made it. :)








lately i've had more time to myself on occasion.

my right eye is always blurry lately, like im always JUST waking up in a series of moments and my eyes are still always trying to adjust.

shits been really grey lately.

i cant really say anything with conviction on how my state of being is, how my state of mind is either.

most of the time i feel guilty writting anything less than humourus or upbeat on anything.

so when i come to parts in my day-to-day living, where i just give in, and cave that im not walking through the best of days..its just almost shameful

i finally broke a long stream of lazyness last night, i felt sweating and having my heart pound and lack of breath was more comfortable than being in the room. so i guess an excuse led me to get up and go back to the gym.

it was empy, and it felt libearating.
i never know what to listen to. then it always ends up wahtever i pick, usually gets me going, last night i revisited my against me! collection of songs.

i love it when bands i love come out with live cd's...i always picture myself in the band or just playing it on stage and just everything from the crowd, to the heat and every strum and jump and movement as some chaotic masterpiece feeling.

or i also think back to times i've seen them while live, it goes back and forth..

i have their searching for a former clarity record spinning on the turntable right now....really running out its course but, it suits right now.
listening to pretty girls. i remember that song gives me chills everytime i hear it, or sing it. just at certain moments the way its sung, and the lyrics and peaceful yet rumbling energy and tone. just makes me close my eyes, and for a moment, it seems the world stops...and only thing that matters is this very second of indulgence to the only thing that feels right now adays.

....i should be finishing my little workout, but...my fingers are getting momentum

the run went well, it was only a little harder than before, and the crackers i ate just 20 min prior were trying to get in on the action outside my body too, good thing my time was up right around the time i felt i was gonnna barf

in a room made for crowds, but find yourself the only one in em. it feels weird.
almost a sence of privelage, and comfort. reminds you that there is an existence, but this experience is just for you.

after that, i wanted to just sleep...but didnt really wanna go back home, i didnt have the gas to drive around, and nowhere really to park and sleep without some cop coming by right around the time im sure i'd just be getting comfortable.

so i jusst headed home. took my time, walked slow...took the backroads.

i wanna read more, i just wish i got good suggestions of books..seems the ones everyone suggests....i read half the book and i just wonder where the hell this is going, i didnt get anything from them.

then i see all these people i look up to, saying quotes, and even in just one sentence, im hooked.


my hygene isnt winning a gold medal lately

i need to get more clothes, to feel a little more sence of pride when i do laundry, rather than just putting in torn up shorts and a worn out dull shirt that doesnt fit right anymore.

right now, im listening to violence from against me, i've played it over probably 6 times while on this.


sometimes its nice doing things alone...i just wish i had somewhere to go that i havent been before.

who knows what the rest of the day will go

i hope i have energy to go back to the gym or run the hill.

i think my frustration might fuel me

oh, heres pretty girls again.....and im feeling uplifted


peace